hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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