we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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