We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
