3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
