i just google imaged poop.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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