Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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