I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
