Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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