You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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