she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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