Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
