I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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