In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
