Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
