This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
