the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
