It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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