pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
