is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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