if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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