I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
