I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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