Christians are straight up FREAKS
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
