I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
