you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Found your dick twin last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
