Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
