ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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