i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
