Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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