I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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