Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
