My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
