come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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