I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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