why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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