Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
