I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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