Will you blow on my dice?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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