Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
50% drunk capacity currently
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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