I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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