There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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