we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize