if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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