I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
