let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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