Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
