he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
