Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
