All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
