my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
