So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
