I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize