I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
