How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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