home. puking in laundry basket.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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