Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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