My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
