Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
