I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
