Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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