I faked an abortion last night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
